glitter and gravel

Every Monday night I am faced with the same demanding question: should I watch The Bachelorette or not? And every Monday night I come to the same conclusion: absolutely.

Before you judge me too harshly, let me explain. There are three basic reasons why I watch The Bachelorette and why you should too. 

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Today, I challenge you to go “above and beyond” what you are called to do. I challenge you to love others morethan you love yourself. Think about this for a moment. God sacrificed His only Son for you (John 3:16). What can you sacrifice to benefit someone else? That, my friends, is selfless love; strive for that.

When you put others’ needs above you own, you are putting yourself and your needs and wants on hold and allowing others to come first. Sometimes the smallest gesture can have the biggest impact. You never know when a hug or a kind word may mean life or death to someone who is in pain, whether it be emotional or physical. By seeing the trials others go through, it helps to put your own problems into perspective and realize they may not be as bad as they seem. Selflessness is greater than selfishness. Show those around you that you can pray about what they’re going through. Let them know that you care about them and are thinking about them.

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He asks. You say yes. You then spend the next 5 days trying to keep your frizzies tamed, your legs shaved, and your eyebrows waxed (does anyone actually do this?) in the hopes that he will find you incredibly attractive and think you are one of those magical creatures who (obviously) need no grooming, because, of course, you are naturally this beautiful.

Imagine a dating world where this wasn’t required. Imagine a date where you could sit at home, on the couch, in your moth-eaten sweatpants and a men’s XL t-shirt, receive flowers which need no water and/or sunlight, and spend hours upon hours just talking about nothing and talking about everything (talking about nothing). I have been on this date. And let me tell you something, it was one of the greatest dates I have ever been on.

Granted, I’ve only been on a handful of “real” dates in my life. By “real” I mean fun, romantic times where the guy is all like “Hey, do you want to go out and get some dinner or see a movie?” and you’re all like “Yeah, sure.”

The date that I am speaking of can be obtained. You can obtain it!

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Everyone, I have a confession to make. About a week ago I joined a dating website.  I have another confession to make. It isn’t the first time.

Don’t jump to conclusions. I am not looking to date anyone from any of those sites. Sometimes a girl just has to look and see what’s out there in her weak moments of boredom so that she doesn’t lock herself in the pantry all day. In my “research” (because it sounds better), I have found out one thing and that is:  guys are boring.

Guys are so boring.

I am mostly speaking to the men out there right now because, well, I want to help you! I need to HELP YOU before you kill off the female population with your boring conversations and macho man façade.

During my week and some odd days of online “dating,” I have had (extremely) brief conversations with a number of men (can I call them men?). The majority of these men, these fellows, began the conversation by sending me an e-mail that looked something like this: “hey how r u,” “can I be your boyfriend ha,” or the ever-dreaded “you remind me of apple pie.”

Guys, listen up. This is unacceptable for a number of reasons. Even if you’re not using a dating website, you should know how to communicate with women in a interesting and polite way.

 Let’s explore top 11 rules for male communication.

1). The lady you are speaking to should be addressed by name. If you don’t know her name, tell her your name and ask hers. Do NOT address her as “sexy lady,” “princess,” “baby,” “sweetie,” “honey,” “angel,” or “girl,” at least not until you are allowed to kiss her in public.

2). You should try to think of something to say other than “how r u”. Chances are she’s probably doing pretty well and isn’t having any real life trauma, or she wouldn’t be checking her dating website e-mail. Also, this will not start any real conversation, because if she responds (and you’ll be lucky if she does), she’ll probably just say “good” and be done with it. Your chance is over and you are free to move on to boring the next girl you come across.

3). Please use the best grammar you possibly can. I understand most people don’t care about grammar or spelling or punctuation. I get that. Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m sure some English major is reading this right now and having a giggle at all of my mistakes and what not. But, I’m doing one thing that you guys aren’t doing, I’m trying.  Use proper forms of words. Don’t use letters as words to shorten them. Just try your best to seem intelligent. And if a girl clearly states in her biography not to contact her unless you know the correct way to use “your” and “you’re,” don’t contact her. You’re wasting your time.

4). Gentlemen in your 40’s and above, unless a lady specifies that she is into older men, do not contact her. It’s weird. It’s awkward. You’re not gonna get a reply from most girls and you’re just setting yourself up to some form of ridicule on some mean girls blog. If you ARE going to e-mail her, make sure your face matches your age. Because, if you are obviously 53 and you’re age says “27,” you’re not fooling anyone.

5). Don’t talk about your mom in the introduction e-mail. I don’t really wanna hear how awesome your mom thinks you are or how she has taught you the best manners in the world. Did she teach you how to get a date? Obviously not. I won’t introduce myself and immediately talk about my dad and how he thinks I’m so special.  That’s creepy. Stop it.

6). If a girl doesn’t reply to the first 3 e-mails, you should stop sending them. L Please don’t write her over and over and over asking what happened and if she’s getting your messages. Don’t tell her you’re not stalking her, that definitely means that you are, indeed, stalking her.

7). Don’t demand a girl to leave the site because she can “find someone in real life”. That’s so weird.

8). Don’t refer to yourself as having parts similar to that of a horse. That’s not attractive. That’s going to make the girl think you have serious medical issues.

9). Don’t write a letter. You can introduce yourself in a few short sentences. If a girl opens an e-mail and sees that you’ve written a 3-page biography, she’s not gonna read it because it makes you seem desperate and like you might kill her.

10). Don’t say you don’t drink or do drugs if you have an entire profile of pictures of you doing just that. It makes no sense and it makes you out to be a liar. And you’re not a liar, you’re just totally changing the truth and doing a horrible job of hiding the evidence that proves otherwise.

11). If she tells you her name, don’t immediately stalk her out and add her on Facebook and Twitter. That makes you look like an over-eager punk.

There’s so much more I could say but hopefully this will give you an idea of how not to be completely creepy when approaching a lady online.

Disclaimer: Although I have since deleted my “dating” profile, this blog was not meant to offend anyone or to denounce online dating as a whole. I know about those loves stories on the Match.com commercials. They’re totally for real!

It’s a tough world out there. But if you’re single, the world is not only tough, but also a magical sea of potential.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Being single is not easy. In fact, you may or may not have considered jumping into a relationship just to join the “cool club” and be able to FINALLY change your relationship status on Facebook (since we know that’s all we want anyway). But don’t settle just yet. Please! If I was a beggar, I would beg you now. At least wait until you’re about 46 and balding… then that weird guy who watches you water your garden won’t seem so bad.

But, in the meantime, you must know how to live the single life while being comfortable and being true to yourself.

For a few weeks, every Wednesday I will be taking a different topic and discussing it with you all (also known as talking to myself) from a single’s point of view.

Today, I’m really annoyed.

I’m annoyed by happy couples. I know, I know. I should be happy they’ve found their one true love and blah, blah, blah (Ke$ha). But when they go around talking all lovey dovey and mushy gushy and slow dancing in the line at a haunted house, I can’t take it! I’m either gonna wish you were with me or gag and then really, really make fun of you.

Probably the latter. But then, who am I kidding? I would secretly be envious and wish I had someone to slow dance in public with if (and I never will) I had the urge.

So, in conclusion, couples, I really appreciate that you like someone enough (or are drunk enough) to show affection publicly. It’s a beautiful and disgusting thing. However, if you wouldn’t mind, please wait until I get equally happy and my Facebook reads “In a Relationship.” I would be forever grateful.

Singally yours,

Jessica (21/f/Nashville)

I am a firm believer that everyone is good at something. It might be music, it might be art, or cooking, or doing hair. Maybe you’re just unsure of what your talent is—you haven’t discovered it yet.

Well, I’m here to tell you NOT TO STOP SEARCHING to find your talent—your passion—until you have found it.

Having a talent doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be able to do it (whatever it may be) effortlessly, or without practicing. It simply means that with a little determination and a lot of love, you can accomplish great things doing something you were born to do.

Even if your passion never makes it past your bedroom, or your music is forever in Jazz clubs, or your art is in your in-home studio, as long as you LOVE what you’re doing, you have accomplished.

If you are not sure what your talent is, start by making a list (yes, a physical, written list on actual paper) of the things you like to do, then separate the things you love from the things you like, then separate the things you are absolutely passionate about. Once you have that list, whether it’s one things or many, you have your talents and you should begin to explore those on a deeper level and allows others (and yourself) to benefit from them in some way.

If your gift is shared with only one person, that’s one person who was helped or blessed in some way. You have made a difference.

Don’t let anyone tell you that what you love isn’t worth your time.

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Of course protecting someone’s feelings is important. Nobody wants to be that insensitive person who makes people cry themselves to sleep every night. But (for me, at least), telling the truth is a must, even if it’s not always easy.  Little white lies just don’t fly.

My favorite truths:

“It’s not me, it’s you”  — Okay, so maybe nobody actually says this outloud, but they should. You should. We all should! It’s the truth, isn’t it? I mean, think about it. Even if the chemistry isn’t flowing between the other person and yourself, it’s still not just a problem with you, it’s them. So call it like you see it and be honest, because, well, if you’re breaking up with someone, they’re going to hate you anyway (at least for a little while). Plus, it kills any hope they have of you ever changing and crawling back to them.

“Honey… those pants don’t make you look fat. You are fat.”  No pants can make you look fat. Or dress. Or skirt. Or shirt or ANYTHING. I’m just saying. If you’re skinny, you’re skinny. So stop asking. If that red plaid mini skirt makes you FEEL like you look fat, then change. Or lose weight. Or don’t. Nobody cares. Just shut up.

“Um, I was hoping you’d look really bad so I wouldn’t like you again.”  — I was actually told this by someone. True story. It’s 50% compliment, 50% insult. I mean, think about it. On one hand, they’re telling you that you look really good… on the other hand, they’re saying your personality sucks. But still, I appreciate the honesty.

“Betcha can’t eat just one.” — They called it, didn’t they? I mean, thanks for letting me know that I’m going to get addicted to your product beforehand. It’s helpful.

“I don’t care.” — My favorite sentence. I don’t say this because I’m apathetic, I say it because I really just don’t want to take the time to verbalize my thoughts. I use this response for everything.  For example:

“Jessica, do you love me?” “I don’t care.”

“Jessica, your outfit doesn’t match.” “I don’t care.”

“Jessica, people think you’re snobby.” “I don’t care.”

“Jessica, are you hungry?” “I don’t care—actually, yes.”

These are all actual conversations.

And last, but not least: “I love you.” — The best. 

Awwwwkward.

• Make sure you’re emotionally stable.

This is a given. Please don’t go on a date the day after a break-up or during other emotionally draining times in your lives. Bad idea. Nobody wants to console your crying, especially on a date.

• Don’t play Angry Birds (or use text, or answer calls).

Although it might seem to take some pressure off of you (especially if the moment seems awkward), but remember, it’s rude. Always. Answering phone calls is sometimes okay but ONLY if you ask your date FIRST and ONLY if it is an EMERGENCY. Texts are never ok, unless your date is obsessing over his phone as well. Then you’re great together.

• Do not order everything on the menu.

Just don’t. Everyone knows that dates are not for actually eating. Eating is only a mere activity to do while you conversate with each other. A casual bite here and there lightens the mood. To-Go boxes should ALWAYS be necessary on a date. Always.

• Ladies: do not insist on paying for your own meal.

It’s really annoying when girls are like, “omg, no, really, i’ll totally pay,” because they don’t mean it. Chances are her wallet is empty anyway. GENTLEMEN: Don’t fall for it. You will not get a second date. Trust me.

• Gentlemen: do not insist on going “halfsies.”

Oh no. Have you done this? Do you have a girlfriend? No? Okay, that’s what I thought. This is bad. Unless you’re strictly in the “friend zone,” dont do this. Ever. And DON’T ask her to if she wants to “get this one.”

• Ladies: do not dress like a skank.

Obviously. You’re not easy. Or maybe you are. But don’t let him know that.

• Gentlemen: do not wear gym shorts, please.

They’re thin. They’re baggy. We can see everything. We don’t want to see everything.

• Don’t get drunk.

You’ll act like a 5 year old baby and NOBODY wants to be your babysitter. If I was your date, I’d leave. True story.

• Don’t talk about your exes.

Especially on the first or second date. The only exception to this rule is if the other person ASKS YOU specifically. Even then, be as mysterious as possible. Don’t overshare.

• Don’t smoke, especially if you’re unsure if the other person does.

The very smell of cigarettes could kill them.

• Do not eat peanuts immediately before going in for the kiss.

Some people have peanut allergies, hello! At least ask first.

• Don’t go in for the kiss unless you’re sure there was a connection.

Nobody wants to be rejected, so make sure there is a connection between you two before going in for the kiss. You’ll be able to tell. If you can’t tell, chances are it’s not there.

• Don’t eat garlic, onions, tuna, or eggs before or during your date.

Ew.

• Be genuine.

Just be yourself. If your date likes you and you’re being fake, guess what? They don’t actaully like YOU.

• Don’t laugh at things that aren’t funny.

This kind of relates to the “Be genuine” thing. If you don’t actually think it’s funny, why laugh? I mean, sure, it’s polite. But, you can’t spend your whole life fake laughing, so don’t start off doing it.

• Don’t badmouth anyone. You never know when it could be his or her mother.

Your date might LOVE gossip, but chances are they don’t. I, for one, find this extremely annoying. What do you say about ME when I’m not around? Not cool.

• Be a good listener.

Actually listen to what your date has to say. Don’t just talk, talk, talk. If your date is very quiet, at least give them the opportunity to talk by shutting up.

• Don’t tell your life story all at once.

Again, be mysterious. Don’t tell them everything at once. They’ll get bored and leave you.

• Be chill.

Don’t be too nervous. Just relax. Take a deep breath. Realize it’s a DATE. No big deal. If it doesn’t work out, on to the next.

• Don’t touch him or her if your hands are clammy.

This is bad for two reasons. 1. It’s gross, and 2. it’s a dead giveaway that you’re extremely nervous and its awkward for everyone involved.

• Don’t forget to groom yourself before hand.

This includes (but is not limited to): shaving, deoderant, brushing teeth, painting nails, combing hair, cleaning ears, trimming nose hairs, and waxing eyebrows.

• Ladies: after dinner, excuse yourself to the restroom.

Please don’t continue talking to your date after dinner without first checking your teeth. You could have a pepper stuck in there the size of Antarctica. Bad.

• Gentlemen: take advantage of the time to yourself.

Gentlemen, you could have a little boogie that loosened itself, just look at yourself in your phone’s reflection or a spoon while she’s gone.

• Don’t be afraid to cut the date short.

If it’s not going well for you, it’s probably not going well for them either. Do yourself both a favor and say goodnight after dinner, why roll your eyes through dessert?

• Don’t commit to a second date right away.

If you’re sweet, you’ll probably hear “when can I see you again?” “Tomorrow” is not an appropriate answer. Don’t seem too available. Try responding with “when do you want to? *sly grin*”

• Ladies: don’t wear heals if you’re unsure of your date’s height.

He could be a good 4 inches shorter than you in your stillettos. That might be okay with you, but HE might feel a little uncomfortable.

• Gentlemen: compliment her, no matter what.

She looks beautiful, or really good, or cute. Don’t tell her she looks “hot” or “sexy,” even if she does.

• Don’t go back to your date’s house or apartment unless you know them well.

They could murder you.

• Don’t ever go on a blind date.

If your friend is setting you up, at LEAST do some Facebook or Twitter stalking first. Make sure they’re not insane. Maybe a background check.

• Be confident.

Be sure of who you are. Don’t let the other person define you.

• Don’t talk about your (future) children.

Although it worked for Kate Hudson in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, it won’t work for you. This will freak out most guys. However, if you already have a child, you should mention them.

• Don’t talk about your wedding.

Because, clearly, it’s too soon.

• Gentlemen: don’t ask her about her girl friends.

Why would you do this? If you’re trying to get with HER, why do her friends matter? Girls generally hear this as “are your friends hot?”

• Don’t oogle sexy men or women that pass by you.

A very common mistake. Everyone hates it. Am I not good enough for you?

What else?? Let’s hear it!

Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah

I see the words “Blah, blah, blah” coming out of your mouth.
Zip your lips like a padlock

I want you to lock your lips so you can’t talk anymore.

And meet me at the back with the jack and the jukebox

But I still would love to meet you in the back of this club near the jukebox with some Jack Daniels in your hand.

I dont really care where you live at

It doesn’t matter to me if you’re homeless!

Just turn around boy and let me hit that

Turn around and let me smack you.

Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat

I don’t really want to hear your small talk.

Just show me where your dick’s at

I have a map here, show me where your Uncle Dick lives.

Music’s up

The music is so loud.
Listen hot stuff

Listen, you sexy thing,

I’m in love
With this song

I totally dig this song that is playing.

So just hush
Baby shut up
Heard enough

So just stop talking so I can hear it.

Stop talking that
Blah blah blah

Stop saying things I don’t understand. Shut up.

Think you’ll be getting this
Nah nah nah

You aren’t going to date me. Ever.

Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar

I don’t go on dates in my car, even though it would be cool.

If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah

But, maybe if you stop talking, I’ll let you take me out.

Boy come on get your rocks off

There is some rocks stuck on your boot, get those off!

Come put a little love in my glove box

And put those lovely rocks in my glove box. My car is out back.

I wanna dance with no pants on

I want to have a dance party in my underwear.

Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox

So meet me where I told you to meet me before!

So cut to the chase kid

Just tell me what you really want, kiddo.

‘Cause I know you don’t care what my middle name is

My middle name is gertrude, by the way.

I wanna be naked

My clothes are uncomfortable
But you’re wasted

But I think you might be drunk.

Music’s up
Listen hot stuff
I’m in love
With this song
So just hush
Baby shut up
Heard enough

I WANT TO HEAR THIS SONG, SO SHUT UP, HOTTIE.

Stop talking that
Blah blah blah
Think you’ll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah

If you stop talking RIGHT NOW you can take me on a date in my car.

You be delaying,

You keep beating around the bush.
You always be saying some shit

And talking about poop..
You say I’m playing,

You think I’m a joke because my name has a dollar sign.

I’m never laying the bitch
Sayin’ “blah, blah blah”

I’m not going to push you down.

‘cause I don’t care who you are

I really don’t care who you are as a person.
In this bar

Oh, I guess we’re in a bar.
It only matters who I is

But myself and my grammar comes first right now.

Stop talking that Blah blah blah
Think you’ll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah

For the last time, if you keep talking, I am not going to let you take me to dinner in my station wagon.