glitter and gravel

Have you ever wondered why someone would choose to be friends with/date/marry someone like you? What sets you apart from other people in the world? Something I have been hearing a lot lately (even in my own mind) is that (most) people are the same.

What I wonder, specifically, relates to why someone would choose me over some other girl (in the world of dating, business, friendship, or anything else). What makes me unique, special, or sought after?

The truth is that I’m not sure. Actually, quite honestly, I have no idea. I can only wonder and hope that something does make me different, that something sets me apart. I think for Christians, the most obvious answer to this is that (hopefully) you will be able to tell a difference in character, morals, and the whole persona. It does go beyond that, however. There are many Christian ladies who are much more beautiful, or servant-like, or who have less baggage than I do.

For this article I have chosen to ponder over those things which make me different or unique, whether they be good or bad (and they’re mostly somewhere in between/bad).

- First of all, I am (like I have mentioned before) very awkward. This is not something that most people look for typically. Job Qualifications: Proficient in Microsoft Excel, Good with people, Friendly, Slightly socially awkward.

- I am very self-conscious/shy. At least I am aware of it though, right? This results in me seeming very “snobbish” to people who don’t know me. Sometimes I walk past someone smiling at me and completely look away, even though I’m totally not being rude intentionally.

- I like to cook. This, I have realized, is a fairly large bonus. Some girls hate cooking; some girls couldn’t cook if their life depended on it. I can and do so fairly well. Plus, I like creating recipes. 2 points. But they’re not always a success… Minus 1 point.

- I’m health-minded. I realize this could be a few points for me or against me. If someone loves their sodas, cakes, cookies, and donuts, they’re not going to want to constantly have to hear about the healthy choices I have made for lunch day after day.

- I’m a Christian. This should be at the top of the list. This is usually either a very important quality in any relationship. Either you really, really want to date/hire/marry a Christian, or that’s not important to you at all.

- I’m clean. I shower daily which, in my opinion, is a great thing. Sometimes I even shower, like, twice a day. Or more. I am pretty clean. I also brush my teeth regularly.

- I don’t smoke. I’m convinced that if you smoke, you can only date other smokers. If you know of a relationship in which it isn’t this way, let me know. Related, I don’t chew tobacco or drink, either.

- I’m not the most beautiful person in the world. Not even close. I realize that. Thankfully, that isn’t the most important thing in the world. If it IS that important to you, then I shall pass.

- I don’t like to shave every day. Actually, I don’t like to shave at all. Now, don’t get confused, I DO shave; I just don’t enjoy it. And I frequently put it off for as long as possible when I am able to do so.

- I like fashion. This may or may not be important. I have known people who really just don’t go for girls/guys who are trendy or care about what they wear. I do. And although I may go out in public from time to time wearing my sweats, I prefer to actually get dressed up and look somewhat presentable.

- I wear contacts and glasses. This doesn’t seem like something I should be including in here, but I will. And the main reason is because of something I was thinking about yesterday. I remember when I was a child I was sometimes picked on because I wore glasses. Oddly enough, it was from adults. Some rude old man even went so far as to call me, at the time a 10 year old girl, “four-eyes.” I’m pretty sure my heart was somewhat broken.

- I like grammar. I don’t claim to be the best at grammar. Actually, I don’t claim to be the best at anything. But it’s really important for me to have a normal, intelligent, adult conversation with those around me. I don’t like to feel like I’m speaking AT someone.

- I eat a lot. I feel like this is a bonus for me in the “guy world,” because most guys like girls who eat. The problem comes in, however, when my metabolism slows down and I got myself a little bootydo.

- I have a funky toenail. This could very well be a deal breaker. I mean, what if someone has all the same characteristics as me, both good and bad, and I AM ABOUT TO GET CHOSEN, when all of a sudden, BAM! They see my funky baby toenail and I’m out of the race—just like that.

- I can type pretty fast. This is turning into a really, really sad “quality” list and I should stop while I am ahead (even though I’m not ahead at all).

The point is this: absolutely NO TWO PEOPLE are alike. We are all different, whether it’s just a little bit different or on totally opposite ends of life. YOU have something to offer someone/something else than I do. Maybe you have a sixth toe, a third nipple, a beautiful singing voice, great social abilities, or a love for video games. Maybe you have a perfect driving record, a love for animals, a lazy eye, or an afro.

I just hope that someone somewhere is looking for a girl with a few extremely awkward and somewhat burdensome characteristics.

Thank you to my friend, Alexis, for the inspiration for this article.

Being a single lady in 2012 is not all that easy.  It’s not all that hard, either. The problem seems to be that most people (women and men) don’t feel comfortable being single when all of our friends are paired off, or when society is throwing dating in our faces like a cream pie. Like, “Here! TAKE IT!”

And sure, some (dare I say most) of us want to find that special someone to feed us bacon while we swing away on a hammock. I’m a firm believer in the idea that if you want something bad enough, it will happen for you. Especially in the World of Love and Relationships. If you seek love, you will (indeed) find love; if you seek loneliness, you will find (yep, you guessed it) loneliness. I am convinced that finding that ONE person you want to spend your life with comes at a time when you least expect it. Timing can be cruel. I tell you that from my own personal experience. But you accept it. You take from it what you can and you move on.

No matter what our relationship status may be, our energies must be focused on being the best ME (YOU, I, US) that we can be—all of the time.

One of the things that really bothers me most about being single is the pressure from others to find someone to date. Don’t get me wrong. I want to be in a serious, committed relationship as much as anyone else, but when others are asking me when I’m going to get married, or if they can set me up on a date, I just want to punch them in the face (and I’m not usually a violent person). A few days ago my grandmother introduced me to someone by telling them my name, followed by “can you believe she is single?” Call me crazy, but I consider this way out of line. I might as well stamp a big “S-I-N-G-L-E” on my forehead.

I recently started going to movies by myself from time to time. Okay, I’ve only done it twice, but it was invigorating. The only downside was being asked “why did you do that? don’t you feel weird going alone???” My answer: no, not until you said that. I mean, should I feel weird about doing something independently?

I guess what I am trying to say is this: in a world where being single means going out, having someone new every night, doing the whole club/drinking/bar scene, it’s okay to just sit back and just…be.

Just wait. Because, timing, man. 

I know I am not the only one who does incredibly awkward and embarrassing things on a daily basis. At least, I like to think  I’m not. The things that I do, however, are not necessarily life-ruining, but I have (quite literally) smacked myself in the face after doing them. It’s probably awkward that I do that. It’s probably awkward that I just admitted it.

I will now confess some things that I do (or have done) which still make me shake my head and go “Jessica! Jessica, no!”

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He asks. You say yes. You then spend the next 5 days trying to keep your frizzies tamed, your legs shaved, and your eyebrows waxed (does anyone actually do this?) in the hopes that he will find you incredibly attractive and think you are one of those magical creatures who (obviously) need no grooming, because, of course, you are naturally this beautiful.

Imagine a dating world where this wasn’t required. Imagine a date where you could sit at home, on the couch, in your moth-eaten sweatpants and a men’s XL t-shirt, receive flowers which need no water and/or sunlight, and spend hours upon hours just talking about nothing and talking about everything (talking about nothing). I have been on this date. And let me tell you something, it was one of the greatest dates I have ever been on.

Granted, I’ve only been on a handful of “real” dates in my life. By “real” I mean fun, romantic times where the guy is all like “Hey, do you want to go out and get some dinner or see a movie?” and you’re all like “Yeah, sure.”

The date that I am speaking of can be obtained. You can obtain it!

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Everyone, I have a confession to make. About a week ago I joined a dating website.  I have another confession to make. It isn’t the first time.

Don’t jump to conclusions. I am not looking to date anyone from any of those sites. Sometimes a girl just has to look and see what’s out there in her weak moments of boredom so that she doesn’t lock herself in the pantry all day. In my “research” (because it sounds better), I have found out one thing and that is:  guys are boring.

Guys are so boring.

I am mostly speaking to the men out there right now because, well, I want to help you! I need to HELP YOU before you kill off the female population with your boring conversations and macho man façade.

During my week and some odd days of online “dating,” I have had (extremely) brief conversations with a number of men (can I call them men?). The majority of these men, these fellows, began the conversation by sending me an e-mail that looked something like this: “hey how r u,” “can I be your boyfriend ha,” or the ever-dreaded “you remind me of apple pie.”

Guys, listen up. This is unacceptable for a number of reasons. Even if you’re not using a dating website, you should know how to communicate with women in a interesting and polite way.

 Let’s explore top 11 rules for male communication.

1). The lady you are speaking to should be addressed by name. If you don’t know her name, tell her your name and ask hers. Do NOT address her as “sexy lady,” “princess,” “baby,” “sweetie,” “honey,” “angel,” or “girl,” at least not until you are allowed to kiss her in public.

2). You should try to think of something to say other than “how r u”. Chances are she’s probably doing pretty well and isn’t having any real life trauma, or she wouldn’t be checking her dating website e-mail. Also, this will not start any real conversation, because if she responds (and you’ll be lucky if she does), she’ll probably just say “good” and be done with it. Your chance is over and you are free to move on to boring the next girl you come across.

3). Please use the best grammar you possibly can. I understand most people don’t care about grammar or spelling or punctuation. I get that. Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m sure some English major is reading this right now and having a giggle at all of my mistakes and what not. But, I’m doing one thing that you guys aren’t doing, I’m trying.  Use proper forms of words. Don’t use letters as words to shorten them. Just try your best to seem intelligent. And if a girl clearly states in her biography not to contact her unless you know the correct way to use “your” and “you’re,” don’t contact her. You’re wasting your time.

4). Gentlemen in your 40’s and above, unless a lady specifies that she is into older men, do not contact her. It’s weird. It’s awkward. You’re not gonna get a reply from most girls and you’re just setting yourself up to some form of ridicule on some mean girls blog. If you ARE going to e-mail her, make sure your face matches your age. Because, if you are obviously 53 and you’re age says “27,” you’re not fooling anyone.

5). Don’t talk about your mom in the introduction e-mail. I don’t really wanna hear how awesome your mom thinks you are or how she has taught you the best manners in the world. Did she teach you how to get a date? Obviously not. I won’t introduce myself and immediately talk about my dad and how he thinks I’m so special.  That’s creepy. Stop it.

6). If a girl doesn’t reply to the first 3 e-mails, you should stop sending them. L Please don’t write her over and over and over asking what happened and if she’s getting your messages. Don’t tell her you’re not stalking her, that definitely means that you are, indeed, stalking her.

7). Don’t demand a girl to leave the site because she can “find someone in real life”. That’s so weird.

8). Don’t refer to yourself as having parts similar to that of a horse. That’s not attractive. That’s going to make the girl think you have serious medical issues.

9). Don’t write a letter. You can introduce yourself in a few short sentences. If a girl opens an e-mail and sees that you’ve written a 3-page biography, she’s not gonna read it because it makes you seem desperate and like you might kill her.

10). Don’t say you don’t drink or do drugs if you have an entire profile of pictures of you doing just that. It makes no sense and it makes you out to be a liar. And you’re not a liar, you’re just totally changing the truth and doing a horrible job of hiding the evidence that proves otherwise.

11). If she tells you her name, don’t immediately stalk her out and add her on Facebook and Twitter. That makes you look like an over-eager punk.

There’s so much more I could say but hopefully this will give you an idea of how not to be completely creepy when approaching a lady online.

Disclaimer: Although I have since deleted my “dating” profile, this blog was not meant to offend anyone or to denounce online dating as a whole. I know about those loves stories on the Match.com commercials. They’re totally for real!

Awwwwkward.

• Make sure you’re emotionally stable.

This is a given. Please don’t go on a date the day after a break-up or during other emotionally draining times in your lives. Bad idea. Nobody wants to console your crying, especially on a date.

• Don’t play Angry Birds (or use text, or answer calls).

Although it might seem to take some pressure off of you (especially if the moment seems awkward), but remember, it’s rude. Always. Answering phone calls is sometimes okay but ONLY if you ask your date FIRST and ONLY if it is an EMERGENCY. Texts are never ok, unless your date is obsessing over his phone as well. Then you’re great together.

• Do not order everything on the menu.

Just don’t. Everyone knows that dates are not for actually eating. Eating is only a mere activity to do while you conversate with each other. A casual bite here and there lightens the mood. To-Go boxes should ALWAYS be necessary on a date. Always.

• Ladies: do not insist on paying for your own meal.

It’s really annoying when girls are like, “omg, no, really, i’ll totally pay,” because they don’t mean it. Chances are her wallet is empty anyway. GENTLEMEN: Don’t fall for it. You will not get a second date. Trust me.

• Gentlemen: do not insist on going “halfsies.”

Oh no. Have you done this? Do you have a girlfriend? No? Okay, that’s what I thought. This is bad. Unless you’re strictly in the “friend zone,” dont do this. Ever. And DON’T ask her to if she wants to “get this one.”

• Ladies: do not dress like a skank.

Obviously. You’re not easy. Or maybe you are. But don’t let him know that.

• Gentlemen: do not wear gym shorts, please.

They’re thin. They’re baggy. We can see everything. We don’t want to see everything.

• Don’t get drunk.

You’ll act like a 5 year old baby and NOBODY wants to be your babysitter. If I was your date, I’d leave. True story.

• Don’t talk about your exes.

Especially on the first or second date. The only exception to this rule is if the other person ASKS YOU specifically. Even then, be as mysterious as possible. Don’t overshare.

• Don’t smoke, especially if you’re unsure if the other person does.

The very smell of cigarettes could kill them.

• Do not eat peanuts immediately before going in for the kiss.

Some people have peanut allergies, hello! At least ask first.

• Don’t go in for the kiss unless you’re sure there was a connection.

Nobody wants to be rejected, so make sure there is a connection between you two before going in for the kiss. You’ll be able to tell. If you can’t tell, chances are it’s not there.

• Don’t eat garlic, onions, tuna, or eggs before or during your date.

Ew.

• Be genuine.

Just be yourself. If your date likes you and you’re being fake, guess what? They don’t actaully like YOU.

• Don’t laugh at things that aren’t funny.

This kind of relates to the “Be genuine” thing. If you don’t actually think it’s funny, why laugh? I mean, sure, it’s polite. But, you can’t spend your whole life fake laughing, so don’t start off doing it.

• Don’t badmouth anyone. You never know when it could be his or her mother.

Your date might LOVE gossip, but chances are they don’t. I, for one, find this extremely annoying. What do you say about ME when I’m not around? Not cool.

• Be a good listener.

Actually listen to what your date has to say. Don’t just talk, talk, talk. If your date is very quiet, at least give them the opportunity to talk by shutting up.

• Don’t tell your life story all at once.

Again, be mysterious. Don’t tell them everything at once. They’ll get bored and leave you.

• Be chill.

Don’t be too nervous. Just relax. Take a deep breath. Realize it’s a DATE. No big deal. If it doesn’t work out, on to the next.

• Don’t touch him or her if your hands are clammy.

This is bad for two reasons. 1. It’s gross, and 2. it’s a dead giveaway that you’re extremely nervous and its awkward for everyone involved.

• Don’t forget to groom yourself before hand.

This includes (but is not limited to): shaving, deoderant, brushing teeth, painting nails, combing hair, cleaning ears, trimming nose hairs, and waxing eyebrows.

• Ladies: after dinner, excuse yourself to the restroom.

Please don’t continue talking to your date after dinner without first checking your teeth. You could have a pepper stuck in there the size of Antarctica. Bad.

• Gentlemen: take advantage of the time to yourself.

Gentlemen, you could have a little boogie that loosened itself, just look at yourself in your phone’s reflection or a spoon while she’s gone.

• Don’t be afraid to cut the date short.

If it’s not going well for you, it’s probably not going well for them either. Do yourself both a favor and say goodnight after dinner, why roll your eyes through dessert?

• Don’t commit to a second date right away.

If you’re sweet, you’ll probably hear “when can I see you again?” “Tomorrow” is not an appropriate answer. Don’t seem too available. Try responding with “when do you want to? *sly grin*”

• Ladies: don’t wear heals if you’re unsure of your date’s height.

He could be a good 4 inches shorter than you in your stillettos. That might be okay with you, but HE might feel a little uncomfortable.

• Gentlemen: compliment her, no matter what.

She looks beautiful, or really good, or cute. Don’t tell her she looks “hot” or “sexy,” even if she does.

• Don’t go back to your date’s house or apartment unless you know them well.

They could murder you.

• Don’t ever go on a blind date.

If your friend is setting you up, at LEAST do some Facebook or Twitter stalking first. Make sure they’re not insane. Maybe a background check.

• Be confident.

Be sure of who you are. Don’t let the other person define you.

• Don’t talk about your (future) children.

Although it worked for Kate Hudson in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, it won’t work for you. This will freak out most guys. However, if you already have a child, you should mention them.

• Don’t talk about your wedding.

Because, clearly, it’s too soon.

• Gentlemen: don’t ask her about her girl friends.

Why would you do this? If you’re trying to get with HER, why do her friends matter? Girls generally hear this as “are your friends hot?”

• Don’t oogle sexy men or women that pass by you.

A very common mistake. Everyone hates it. Am I not good enough for you?

What else?? Let’s hear it!

We’ve all been there. Whether it’s a teacher who failed you, your ex, your high school rival, your mother-in-law, or the cop who arrested you, seeing someone unexpectedly and unwillingly is always a free ticket to Awkward City. I have had plenty of these encounters and have survived to tell you that you can too.

Here are some tips to help you avoid getting your life (day) ruined by awkward face-time.

Number 1 - Be Confident - Don’t let them know that you are afraid to talk to them or intimidated by them in any way. They are no better than you are, in fact, you are probably a whole lot cooler than they could ever even dream about being (I like to compliment my readers).  Even if you have to do the whole “fake it until you make it” thing, it’s better than acting like the world’s their backyard and you are their pool boy.

Remember, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” so shut up and keep reading.

Number 2 - Don’t Get All Shifty-Eyed - Direct eye constant is crucial. Even if your heart is exploding internally within your chest cavity at the very sight of your ex, DON’T LOOK AWAY.  By looking them straight in the eyes (or eye?), you can maintain your composure and chances are they will wonder when you got so bold and eye contact-y.

Number 3 - Don’t Be Fake - There’s a difference in being friendly and civil and being their BFF. Nobody likes a fake person.  Be real and be genuine, even if it’s genuinely completely rude.

Number 4 - Don’t Be Too Talky/Laughy - This is never good. Stick to basic conversation:

Them: Hello!

You: Hi, how’s it going?

Them: Great! how are you?

You: Good. It’s been forever.

Them: I know! It’s good to see you.

You: You too!

….AND walk away.

Important: don’t walk away in the same direction they do.

Number 5 - Don’t Mislead - This includes ALL areas of your life. Don’t say you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or wife or husband or 14 kids if you really don’t. This is (hopefully) obvious. DO NOT make plans to hang out or see them again if you don’t intend to. This includes the ever-popular, “we should hang sometime.” Neither one of you wants to, so why say it? Just skip the chit chat.

Number 6 - Always Be Prepared - You don’t have to be a shallow person to want to look good in front of that snotty girl who made fun of your bushy hair in high school. So, don’t leave the house in your mickey mouse footie pajamas and your hair looking all lion mane-y and what not. Get a cute outfit and straighten that mess before going anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Number 7 (and most important) - Know Who You Are & Be Comfortable With Yourself - No matter who your audience is, you have to know who YOU are and know that YOU are THE BEST. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about you, whether they like you or not, or if your hair (mane) is a little (lot) out of control. It only matters how you feel about yourself and how you treat others.

If nothing else, trust me on that.

Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah

I see the words “Blah, blah, blah” coming out of your mouth.
Zip your lips like a padlock

I want you to lock your lips so you can’t talk anymore.

And meet me at the back with the jack and the jukebox

But I still would love to meet you in the back of this club near the jukebox with some Jack Daniels in your hand.

I dont really care where you live at

It doesn’t matter to me if you’re homeless!

Just turn around boy and let me hit that

Turn around and let me smack you.

Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat

I don’t really want to hear your small talk.

Just show me where your dick’s at

I have a map here, show me where your Uncle Dick lives.

Music’s up

The music is so loud.
Listen hot stuff

Listen, you sexy thing,

I’m in love
With this song

I totally dig this song that is playing.

So just hush
Baby shut up
Heard enough

So just stop talking so I can hear it.

Stop talking that
Blah blah blah

Stop saying things I don’t understand. Shut up.

Think you’ll be getting this
Nah nah nah

You aren’t going to date me. Ever.

Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar

I don’t go on dates in my car, even though it would be cool.

If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah

But, maybe if you stop talking, I’ll let you take me out.

Boy come on get your rocks off

There is some rocks stuck on your boot, get those off!

Come put a little love in my glove box

And put those lovely rocks in my glove box. My car is out back.

I wanna dance with no pants on

I want to have a dance party in my underwear.

Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox

So meet me where I told you to meet me before!

So cut to the chase kid

Just tell me what you really want, kiddo.

‘Cause I know you don’t care what my middle name is

My middle name is gertrude, by the way.

I wanna be naked

My clothes are uncomfortable
But you’re wasted

But I think you might be drunk.

Music’s up
Listen hot stuff
I’m in love
With this song
So just hush
Baby shut up
Heard enough

I WANT TO HEAR THIS SONG, SO SHUT UP, HOTTIE.

Stop talking that
Blah blah blah
Think you’ll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah

If you stop talking RIGHT NOW you can take me on a date in my car.

You be delaying,

You keep beating around the bush.
You always be saying some shit

And talking about poop..
You say I’m playing,

You think I’m a joke because my name has a dollar sign.

I’m never laying the bitch
Sayin’ “blah, blah blah”

I’m not going to push you down.

‘cause I don’t care who you are

I really don’t care who you are as a person.
In this bar

Oh, I guess we’re in a bar.
It only matters who I is

But myself and my grammar comes first right now.

Stop talking that Blah blah blah
Think you’ll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah

For the last time, if you keep talking, I am not going to let you take me to dinner in my station wagon.