glitter and gravel

I know I am not the only one who does incredibly awkward and embarrassing things on a daily basis. At least, I like to think  I’m not. The things that I do, however, are not necessarily life-ruining, but I have (quite literally) smacked myself in the face after doing them. It’s probably awkward that I do that. It’s probably awkward that I just admitted it.

I will now confess some things that I do (or have done) which still make me shake my head and go “Jessica! Jessica, no!”

Using a straw to drink and missing your mouth.  How is it possible that people on soda commercials looks so cool and chic when they drink through a straw? They’re all like, “hey, look at me being sexy drinking through a straw” and then whenever I try to do it, I end up with a straw inside my left nostril. Not cool, man. There should be some class available on this.

 

Casually giving or receiving a mint. There you are, sitting very close to someone, whispering secrets, when they slowly reach into their purse or pocket, slip out a mint, and hand it to you. Do you go on with your story or do you just give up and walk away—you and your stank breath?

 
  Laughing at your own, unfunny jokes. Just as I sit here in Starbucks, I am literally laughing out loud at what I just wrote. This is a problem because people either think I am really arrogant, or have some sort of giggling problem. Either way, it’s awkward, but I’m too awkward to look around to see who is looking.

 

 The Sweaty Handshake. Or worse, the sweaty handhold. Do you apologize for your nervous hand sweat or just let them wonder if you have hyperhidrosis?  Both options seem wrong.

 

Talking to someone with a booger in their nose. Do you tell them? Do you try really hard to look them in their eyes, even though you KNOW your eyes are slowly trailing down to the boogie?  Do you get it out for them? WHAT HAPPENS?

 

 The Cough and Fart, or equally as bad, The Sneeze and Pee. Does this happen to anyone else, or is it just me and 50 year old women? I don’t have a bladder or colon problem. I do my kegels. I’m just saying. Sometimes kegels aren’t enough when you have bronchitis or something, man.

 

The High Five Fail. This one is one of the least embarrassing, unfortunately. You know how it goes.

 

Falling on your face and pretending to be hurt. You’re wearing very high heels. The floor is slick. You’re new at walking. Whatever the reason may be, you fall on your face. I’m talking a serious, neck-breaking wipe out. You’re not actually hurt, but there’s no way someone can laugh at you if they think you are. So what do you do? That’s right. You make them think you are dying. You then continue crying for the rest of the day (and maybe later) about your knee, hand, or whatever else you may have fallen on.

 
  Food in your teeth while telling a funny story. Much like the stank breath scenario, this can be a tricky one to move past. Do you continue telling your story after you discover the food? Chances are the story is much less funny now that you have had your confidence ripped from under you like a bearskin rug, or something. It’s also a traumatizing event when you get home and discover the food in your teeth yourself after being Miss Chatty.

 

 Having a sticker on your butt. Thanks for telling me. Now you know what size I wear and also that these pants are new. Does this mean you were looking at my butt? Hey, why were you looking at my butt?


 
  Steering wheel drumming. I’m not a real drummer. I just play one in my car.

 

 (Gentlemen, look away) The ‘Feminine Accident’. I don’t think I need to explain this one. It happens to the best of us. Get a friend to walk behind you.

 

Scrambled up your sentence. I’m not dyslexic, but sometimes my brain likes to tell me that I am. It happens mostly commonly when I’m saying something that I am used to saying and I try to say it too quickly. My cousin, Karen, and her husband, Jamie, are two names that I easily mix up and have done so probably a dozen, humiliating times. So, here’s to you, Jaren and Kamie.

 
Bolting out the wrong song lyrics. What? You mean it’s not “I know you got a complex, cock it and pull it.” Who knew? This is made even worse when you are singing out loud, with confidence.

 
Sending an embarrassing text to the wrong person. Maybe you’re confessing your love, maybe you’re saying how bad your date was. The truth is, I didn’t mean to send you that text. How do I fix this? There is no way I can fix this.

 

Made plans to take yourself out on a date. Cancelled.  YOU are even too awkward for YOU. Go figure.

 
Pretending to text to avoid talking to someone in your path. You’re walking into a store when, all the sudden, out of the corner of your eye you see them—the guy or girl you never wanted to see ever again. So what do you do? You get out your trusty phone and “text” your “friend,” who obviously has something incredibly urgent to say.

 
 The Accidental Cuss. A well-known fact about kids (and me) is that we love to rhyme words. My last memory of this was the day before Halloween, circa 1997. Apparently there are not many words you can safely rhyme with “witchy.”

 

 The Toilet Paper Tail. One thing about girls is that they have two options when it comes to using a toilet. Sitting or squatting. Squatting, while cleanly and generally the best option, is somewhat tiring. Sitting takes time. You have to lay the paper down—very gingerly—over the seat and be careful not to knock it into the toilet before sitting. Because of the time it takes to lay down the paper, I, for one, am usually in a hurry to be finished, so I pull up my pants before standing up completely. You can imagine what the results of this are.

 

 The Curb-Hug. I’m parking my car, trying to be all cool, and good-driver-y, and then my rear wheel is up on the curb and I am forced to do the “re-park of shame” Bummer.

 
In closing,

This morning I asked my stomach what it wanted to eat for lunch. I mean, I literally looked down at my stomach and said (out loud) “What do you want to eat for lunch?”

Hopefully this post makes you feel a little bit better about your own social status. If not, maybe you can help me?  Help me.